I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
