Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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