My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Verdict: uncircumcised.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
