your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
