There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
