I'm so fucking centered right now
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
