why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
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It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
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I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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