Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
