we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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