he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.