i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
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Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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