I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
