It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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