Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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