Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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