Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
