I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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