Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
