I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
