The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
