I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize