So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
