Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
