you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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