currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
