i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
