You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
