Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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