Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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