the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
