The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm like, not good at living.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
