So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
