I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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