Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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