You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
