Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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