Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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