handjob tips. give me some.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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