I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
