I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
