In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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