what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
