Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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