We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
