I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
How does one acquire holy water?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
