I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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