mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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