my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
