This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
