You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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