Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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