And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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