I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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