I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
